Oh girls – we’re brilliant aren’t we? Like, we’re proper awesome and funny and intelligent and strong and just totally amazing.
Here are some things that all us awesome, funny, intelligent, strong, brilliant & amazing girls have done at some point in their hilarious lives…
1. Called a piece of clothing a seeyounexttuesday when it doesn’t do up. Seriously H&M can you just use the same sizing as M&S because I swear I was a fucking size 10 in there.
2. Booked a hair appointment and then consequently had the best damn hair day of your whole entire life. I’m talking Victoria Secrets style waves of sunshine tumbling out of your head.
3. Known you should have cancelled said hair appointment but gone anyway because it’s been 7 weeks since you last paid out a 3rd of your wage to have your hair butchered. Hair gets butchered, you pretend you’re crying tears of joy, secretly cursing yourself for not cancelling the fricken appointment.
4. Only painted the toenails that are on show, because guuuuurl ain’t nobody got time for painting aaaaaaallll the nails.
5. Same for fake tanning just your limbs.
6. Uploaded the following to instagram: some kind of eggs & avocado brunch thing, a bunch of flowers with the hashtag #boydonegood, a ‘from where I stand’ shot of your shoes, your fresh manicure and of course your passport when you’re off somewhere fabulous so everyone can be hella jealous.
7. Stalked your boyfriend’s ex girlfriend(s) (yes plural, don’t lie, this is a judgement free zone
coughpsychocough) on every possible social media site there is…except LinkedIn…fuuuuck no NOT LINKEDIN!!!!!
8. Gone to bed with wet hair. Why, just why. You know this never works out well for you so why do you do it?
9. Seen that picture of Michelle Keegan on the beach, in that white bikini and cried a little bit inside before eating a Macdonlds / KFC / Dominoes / All of the above (delete as appropriate)
10. Bought every makeup brush out there and then still applied most of your makeup with your fingers because ugh washing brushes is too much hassle and I don’t have time for this gross acne spreading across my face every time I use them!!!
11. Screen shot something stupid someone else has text you / whatsapped you / put as their Facebook status and sent it to your friends with all the crying/laughing emojis. yeah you bishez!!
12. Wished you were Harper Beckham. The hair, the Dad, the hand-me-down wardrobe.
13. Been forced to use loo roll as a makeshift sanitary towel when your period surprises you and you can’t find one DAMN tampon in your bag…oh but a week or two later when the contents of your bag explodes in the supermarket there are hundreds of the fuckers and they’re all over the floor being picked up & handed back to you by that hot guy. CLASSIC.
14. Drunk dialed / texted and regretted it with every fibre of your being the next day.
15. Squeezed the absolute shit out of a spot that’s still sitting under the skin so it just looks more red, more lumpy and waaaaay more noticeable. Good one.
16. Then proceeded to dump as much makeup, concealer, bb cream, cc cream, foundation and touche éclat on it as you bloody well can even though you should probably not wear anything and let your skin ‘breath’ because, well you look a bit like Gollum without it all.
17. Rolled your eyes at anyone who takes selfies and then when you get a selfie stick yourself basically turned into Kim Kardashian.
18. Bought a new anything and worn it as immediately as you can. Because ohmygod I’ve got no clothes and I hate everything in my wardrobe and what the eff did I wear before this??
19. Gone on a date with a guy you didn’t fancy because he suggested that really cool, expensive bar and well, you really want to go (and not pay).
IT WAS ONE TIME OK.
20. Thought that plucking your eyebrows to virtually nothing was a great idea when you were 14.
21. Wondered how the ‘fat, ugly one’ from Geordie Shore is now way skinnier and prettier than you.
22. Farted really loudly and been a little, teeny, weeny bit proud.
23. Thought contouring was stupid and too much hard work and something you definitely wouldn’t be bothered to do EVER but still watched loads of tutorials and tried to do it in the secrecy of your bathroom.
24. Read every list about being a girls in the 90s / 00s shared with your pals and been like OHMYGOD SO TRUE!!!
25. Thought about deleting one of your friends from Facebook because of her annoying baby pics. And then been delighted when they invented the unfollow button.
26. Been to at least one Zumba class! felt all the endorphins even though you were shown up by someone’s Nan – Old Rita got rhythhhhm!
27. Fancied Justin Bieber or one of One Direction.
28. Liked someone’s picture because they always like yours and you feel some weird sort of ‘like for like’ guilt.
29. Thought about who you’d invite to your wedding even though you’re definitely not getting married yet.
30. Absolutely LOST YOUR SHIT and been accused of doing so because you’re on your period. Been outraged at the accusation and adamant that you’re not. Lost your shit even more, screamed ‘IT’S GOT NOTHING TO DO WITH MY PERIOD’….all the while knowing you’re on your period and it’s everything to do with it.
31. Developed some weird eating ritual when you’re on your own which involves eating a barrel-load of your favourite food while standing up in the kitchen, like standing up means you didn’t really eat it. #secreteaters
32. Prayed you were someones bridesmaid only to totally regret it.
33. Applied red lipstick and felt like a total vamp, hollywood siren, wonder woman.
34. Sent a text that starts, Hey Lovely…because GIRLS!
Thanks for reading.