Somethings happened to me and I’m not quite sure I like it. I’ve either finally got bored of hearing myself whine about not being a skinny bitch anymore and decided to do something about it or I’ve been brainwashed into exercising voluntarily.
I know right, weird.
Whatever’s happened something made me run home from work the other day, I say run it was more a slow jog or thud along the pavement with my heavy footed steps (<<< that’s not just me taking the piss I actually am heavy footed, something ‘they’ (the running trainer people) shouted out for everyone in the shop to hear when I bought my new running trainers. Yup thanks for that, I run like a fucking elephant. A big fat fucking elephant.)
Anyway running home from work was a really laughable thing for me to do, in that when I told people that I’d done it they proper LOLed at me, like hahahahaha. YOU ran home?
Such supportive and encouraging people I surround myself with.
Don’t get me wrong I was hella proud when I crashed through my front door some 40mins after starting, wheezing like an 80year old and the colour of a tomato but it was still laughable and embarrassing. Actually it was THE MOST EMBARRASSING thing I’ve done. Like running in public is HORRIBLE.
As such I thought I’d do a little post on the first time I went running, y’know just incase any of you are thinking of following my lead…
1.OK let’s start with a power-walk, especially as we’re on crazy crowded Oxford Street. I’m a bit nervous and hells no am I just going break into a full on sprint through these swarms of tourists taking pictures.
2. Soooooo you’ve been walking for 10mins now, at some point you are going to have to run y’know Harriet? C’mon bite the bullet and RUUUUUUUN…but not like Phoebe in Friends.
3. I feel like everyone is looking at me? Is everyone looking at me? Am I doing it wrong? Am I running wrong? STOP LOOKING AT ME.
4. Excellent, the backpack I borrowed from my boyfriend is flailing all over the place and totally ruining my stride.
4. I guess I better tie the straps up round my torso (<<< LOL I’m basically a athlete) to secure it. Oh cool my boobs are bulging over the top and my belly is bulging below. Such a great look. Yup.
5. HOLY FUCK WHO IS THAT FAT GIRL PLODDING ALONG THE ROAD????? Oh that’s just my reflection in that window.
7. I want to collapse on the floor in horror after that frightful sight.
6. No, you can’t stop now, there are people walking towards you, you need to make it past them and round the corner and then you can stop and pretend you’re just stretching.
7. OH FFS. There are even more people round the corner, I literally can’t run anymore, can you all just go away so I can stop running with dignity.
8. Time to feign cramp or an injury. Hop about and make lots of oooh ahhh noises.
9. Shake it off. Shake it off.
10. OK let’s not totally give up, keep walking…pick up the pace, that’s it…now we’re running again!
11. OHMYGOD I LOVE THIS SONG!!!!! SO EMPOWERING!
12. 1, 2, 3, 4, 1, 2, 3, 4. Okay I’ve totally got this now. The rhythm has got me.
13. Oh another runner – smile at them, yeaaaaaah baby we’re on the same team. Runners 4 LYF.
14. Wait, what was that look he just gave me…I don’t think he wants to be on my team.
15. If anything he just looked embarrassed that I acknowledged him. #awks
16. WOW am I really here – I’ve run all this way! Go me.
17. Ouuuuuuuuch, why do my shins feel like they’re falling apart. What is this evil! I’m being good, I’m running, why am I being punished???!!!!
18. Christ my face feels hot, I can tell it’s basically a beetroot, I’m puce (<<<< funny word) except with that weird white bit around my lips (seriously why does that happen?) and I bet I bump into that bitch from school, my ex, that awful guy I went on two horrible dates with and my new boss right. this. second.
20. Oh shit, I actually think I know them, run faster, for the love of god Harriet run faster.
21. I’m home.
22. HAHA I’m HOME. This is my road! I live here – I made it! I ran!!!! I ran all the way home (ahem, 6k just FYI). I mean I feel like I might die any moment and my body is definitely over-heating and I can’t feel my feet or my arms actually. Oh no I feel very overwhelmed. Might have a cry. Totally know what Marathon runners must feel like now.
23. OHMYGOD I”m going to run a marathon! Yes, I can do it.
24. Let’s sign up tomorrow and run home from work again.
*the next day*
25. Umm yeah so I can’t really walk and my arms, yes ARMS are killing me. WTF.
26. Think I’ll get the bus today.
27. Oooh Macdonlds.
Thanks for reading!