1. Why, why so much Camembert. You didn’t need to eat SO much of it. You hideous Christmas whale.
2. I never want to see another Quality Street ever again.
3. You’re even fatter than last January. Bravo. You’ve achieved the impossible.
4. And what even, may I ask, is this time in the morning?!!! 9am! How outrageous that I’m wearing clothes and am outside the house at this hour.
5. Is there any other breakfast that isn’t sausage, eggs and bacon? I can’t remember.
6. Porridge? What’s that. It sounds vile.
7. Oh my god it is. Bleugh. I think this is also sometimes known as gruel.
8. This time last week I was so cosy and content. Also It didn’t matter that I had a gunt because I was only wearing pyjamas or a onesie.
9. Oh no my colleagues are all looking at me…they can see the additional chins can’t they?
10.”So what did you get for Christmas?”
OH AS IF YOU CAN’T TELL. FAT. I GOT FUCKING FAT. OKAY.
11. Why are there still Christmas chocolates in the office??? I can’t possibly eat healthily with all this Thortons crap lying around.
12. I’ll have to quickly finish it all and then we can serious about eating ‘clean’.
13. Maybe I could go to the gym to cancel out the chocolate and start to get rid of these rolls.
14. Oh but then I’ll be one of those “NEW YEAR! NEW ME!” dickheads who go to the gym all of January and then promptly forget the place exists for the 11 months after.
15. OH JUST LIKE YOU DID LAST YEAR?
16. I wish there was a way to do all that new years resolution stuff without imminent failure hanging over your head.
17. Shit where’s ‘My Fitness Pal’ app gone? Oh you have got to be kidding me, did I delete it?
18. No wonder we were so out of control!
*inputs all the healthy food eaten, conveniently forgets to scan 5 x mini flapjacks*
19. Umm 300 calories left over for dinner – pffft good one!
20.FFS – why did I leave so much work stuff to do for the New Year…this could all have been done already.
21. If I just select all and delete, what’s the worst that will happen?
22. Who are these clever bastards still on holiday? How did they manage that? What fandagled trick did they pull on HR?
23. So tiiiiiired. This used to be nap time.
24. I can’t believe I told my parents they were doing my head in after just two days. I’d give anything to be back at their house, eating my weight in food and downing fizz.
25. There is literally only darkness and misery now for at least 2-3 months.
26. I hope we have a freakishly warm February so we can start getting excited for Summer.
27. SAD. You said it.
28. Oh and you with your Dry January smugness can sod off. I’m actually going out drinking TONIGHT because you mentioned it.
29. Okay well not actually tonight. No money for one. And it’s really cold. And no-one else wants to because they’re all doing dry bloody January too.
35. FUCK OFF JANUARY.
So, as you can tell, I’m totally side-stepping the January blues this year. 2015 A WOOHOO! Feeling good, feeling great, can’t wait to go and show this year what I’m made of! Setting goals and smashing them out of the park…or rather not. How are you guys coping?
Thanks for reading!