1. I can’t believe there are Christmas cards on sale in Tesco. It’s not even been Halloween yet. Calm the fuck down.
2. Urgh all these people talking about having half their xmas shopping done already. GET A LIFE.
3. I’m not even going to think about it until the end of November. I’ve got loads of time.
4. I’m amazing at it anyway. I mean I left it pretty late last year and it was a total breeze. I just KNOW what people like.
5. Oh jeez it it the 15th December already?
6. Should probably start getting some bits.
7. *buys one set of gift tags and forgets about it for another week*
8. Fuck. Christmas is in a week and I have bought nothing.
9. I’ll go to Selfridges – they have everything. So will be able to get it all at once. Sorted.
10. Why is it soooooooo busy. I mean I know it’s Christmas but what are all you people doing here?! Don’t you know you can buy it online????
11. And it’s so hot. My god it’s like a fucking sauna in here. What am I meant to do with this duvet coat and blanket scarf I’m wearing?
12. Allllllll the sweat.
13. Right, who shall I get first…dad? A book? To the book section.
14. Ummm okay what’s good. Game of thrones? Oh wait I think we did that last year.
15. A cookbook…yes! Great idea.
16. Thirty bloody quid for Save with Jamie. That’s hardly saving is it.
17. Oh fuck this. I’ll get it somewhere else. Amazon maybe. They were selling stuff for a penny the other day.
18. HOW HAVE I BEEN HERE AN HOUR ALREADY? I’ve only looked at one thing.
19. Who else can we get. Where’s that list you wrote…get your phone out.
20. Ahh 2% battery. Fucking magic.
21. Right, let’s go to the Christmas floor…that will have all that you need.
22. Argh, all the lights and christmas songs and toys and sparkles and tinsel. MY EYES. MY EYES.
23. Oh LOVELY. Now I have a headache.
24. I wonder if anyone has just flung themselves on the floor and started wailing yet.
25. I think I may just do that. Then the Elfridges can carry me out.
26. WHAT IS THAT QUEUE FOR GIFT WRAPPING??!!!
27. Ewwww myyyy gooood, that is the PERFECT gift for my sister. She’ll love it!
28. Or will she?
29. Argh, I don’t knowwwwwww. What is happening to my brain? Why can’t I make decisions? Why don’t I know what people want…I thought I was good at this.
30. OK so it’s been 2 hours and you’ve bought nothing. You suck at Christmas shopping.
31. *picks loads of stuff up randomly and heads to the tills*
32. Oh god what is all this crap. Stress levels are peaking.
33. WHY HAVE I DONE THIS TO MYSELF.
34. So heavy. Why is everything so heavy.
35. If I was rich I could just pay people to do this for me and sit in Le Chalet sipping champagne.
36. Whhhhhhhy aren’t I rich? Boooohooooooohoooooo.
37. Future me, I promise, hand on heart that I will NEVER leave it this late again. Next year we’ll do it all online.
38. How am I in the toy section? I don’t even know any children.
39. Oh Fuck off Bubble 07. I do not want to be ‘shot’ with your bubbles. I am a women on the edge.
40. Just get out. GET OUT.
41. A bar, I need a bar. WINE, all the wine.
42. Let’s have a look at what we got then, can we say Christmas shopping is done?
43. Umm, Christmas shopping FAIL.
44. I don’t even know what this is? Is it food or a bath bomb? And who, might I add, are you going to give it to?
45. Oh fuck it. The true spirit of Christmas isn’t about presents.
46. Anyway this lot will have to do. I can’t do that to myself again.
47. Oh for crying out loud. I forgot to buy wrapping paper. FML.
Thanks for reading!