Marvellous Malta…


I recently arrived back from Malta after a week away with my guy and want to let y’all know what it was like! And also show you some A LOT of really dull, generic, couples holiday shots! Yay!

I’m not really sure why we chose Malta. A few friends have been recently and I guess it seemed like a not so obvious choice. It didn’t seem as though it would be ruined one street at a time by garish bright lights, wet t-shirt competitions, sweaty PRs and Irish Bars offering 5 drinks for 10 Euros and 8 free shots of watered down Vodka. Neither did I fancy going to Brick Lane abroad and spending 5 days in Croatia finding underground rave after underground rave/secret beach party.

I lie.

Either of these options would suit me fine. So long as there was Sun and alcohol, because…

a) I am secretly a bit of a chav and therefore places like Magaluf and Malia are truly my homes away from home.

b) I try to pretend I’m not (a chav)by going out in East London perusing flea markets, charity shops and raving in car parks to appear trendy, retro and nonchalant.

But something made me pick Malta and I’m so glad I did.

We stayed in Melleiha in the Northern part of the Island. It was utterly beautiful if a bit quiet. If you want to do some clubbing and partying probably best to head south and stay in St Paul’s Bay or St Julian’s Bay. Our Hotel was the Ramla Bay Resort which was in an even quieter part of Melleiha about 10 minutes and a 10 Euro taxi ride outside of the town. We did have 3 pools, a beach and a bar and a beach bar so all was not lost.

Luckily, we were also very close to the Island of Gozo which everyone recommends visiting. So of course we did. Fish out of water we booked a day trip to the island which was 45 Euros and included a minibus pick up taking us to and from the ferry (5 Euros), A Jeep ‘safari’ aka island tour and a Boat trip. On arrival we met John our older Maltese tour guy who picked us up in his battered old jeep and took us round the island, he even introduced us to the 1 toothed mechanic whom he shouted at in angry Maltese about the fact that nothing on the jeep worked. John seemed like the type to want to reassure his tourist passengers.

We headed off to what is known as the Window which is a Maltese version of Durdle Door, if you haven’t been it’s a must!!!  Cliffs and Rocks shaped like Doors and Windows, what’s not to love? Once there we took a 3 Euro boat through the caves. The water was an amazing electric blue and there was some beautiful orange coral all over the rocks.  Our boat driver and John drew our attention to this coral…more than a few times as if looking at it would be like finding gold in your pocket. They also ensured we took pictures of this crazy ass cliff face that looks like an actual face! Shut the front door and show me some more orange coral, John!

After this we then took a heck load of typical tourist shots at various beaches/churches/hill-top places with John being the ever accommodating camera man (so much so he did his best not to get the ‘Nazi’ pope in the shot outside one church), We did however,excel our technological selves by setting the camera on TIMER from time to time and getting it to do all the hard work. Pure genius right?

One thing I do wish we had got pictures of was the mental night we had out at this unbelievable underground cave club on the island, except we didn’t get any pictures because we didn’t go because we were tired from all the caves and sightseeing and stuff…next time hey! I bet it would have been rubbish anyway.

Later we took a boat and visited the Blue Lagoon which was as you can imagine pretty blue and crowded. The water was unbelievably clear and I just kept thinking we should really get some Snorkelling on the go here but we didn’t really have long so we lounged back in our VIP hired deck chairs and caught some rays. The chairs were VIP because we had paid to sit on the side of the cliff and had to painfully navigate our way down a very rocky ridge to the sea whenever we got too hot which was roughly every 5 minutes, so by the end of the time there we had some brilliants cuts and scratches in exchange for a better view and were seriously cursing our VIP status.

If you ask me it was probably a little too busy over at the Blue Lagoon with music coming from all sides and every boat and food stand and toilet on the island not to mention the ‘Mad Mark’ show which was some lunatic rep who had been given a mic and told to sing along to Fat Man Scoop with his own hilarious lyrics. Shut the eff up Mark It really was Paradise.

In the evenings we went to a couple of Amazing restaurants. One was Il Mithna. It was a beautiful restaurant all exposed stone-work and low lighting…the food was delicious and not too expensive at 75 Euros for 2 starters, 2 mains, a shared desert and a bottle of vino. The second was The Arches as renowned for it’s famous clientèle as it’s food and it is regularly tipped as the best restaurant in the whole of Malta. It was slightly more expensive than the first restaurant but the portions and dishes were inkredibbli (my first Maltese word)!!! 

Unfortunately Fortunately for you there aren’t any pictures of the food because I have a life and therefore don’t take pictures of my meals, I eat them. I can tell you though that I ate the Chicken Liver Pate followed by Duck both of which were c’est magnifique. I do however have some more super couple shots! You know you’ve been waiting for them!

One night when we ventured into the town of Melleiha it turned out they were having some sort of super street party. I don’t know what it was in aid of but hell, who cares, there were bars selling vodka on the street for crying out loud and even a Beatles tribute band – Hey Jude indeed! But for those who really wanna know, apparently each village/town in Malta has some sort Feast in honor of their patron saint. They basically pour out onto the streets and party on down. The night ends with some seriously hazardous FLOOR BASED fireworks and then they pretty much set fire to their biggest church which in turn has already been done up to look like those council houses at Christmas that go way overboard with the décor. In addition to this, each firework display is accompanied by some crazy European techno or the soundtrack from Pirates of the Caribbean…you know those well-known religious tunes that regularly bang out at Mass on a Sunday (!).  You can see this in the ridiculously terrible filming below.

Well that pretty much sums up my time in Malta. Gotta say a massive thanks for reading if you made it this far because this is one long arsed post. If you want more info about Malta probably best to go to a travel website like Visit Malta

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